I honestly want to research on every religion out there and try to read their "holy books" and such. Personally I don't believe any of that, I don't believe in any "higher power" but I'm really interesting in the learning/researching about it all. Of course being brought up in a household/family full of Christianity & Catholicism I've known about those two for quite some time & for the past half year or so I've been researching about "Satanism". Although I like the concept of satanism so far, I didn't think it was right to believe a higher power. I'm debating on if I should purchase books of different beliefs since the internet couldn't tell me everything I would possibly want to know about them. If you have any to recommend I would appreciate it.

I went to my friends house last night (which I haven't seen in a month) to go hangout, spend the night and stuff. About an hour into being over there we decided to smoke because I had four g's on me atm. Well we smoked & of course we got hungry. This was a horrible situation and I was so indecisive when it came to debating on if I wanted to eat or not. I ended up eating four slices & felt like shit. We went to bed & I got woken up to the words "Do you wanna smoke?" So I was like "uhh, fuck yeah.". Of course we smoked & I caved in & ordered Pizza Hut telling myself I wasn't gonna eat that much. I ended up eating half of the pizza & 5 bread sticks, shortly after I started making myself feel like shit telling myself I was gonna gain a shit load of weight & I had no phone to call my dad to tell him to come get me. I wanted to leave, I would start to tear up thinking badly of myself. I went to my brothers house (he wasn't home) & layed on the couch catching up on old tv shows and I began to feel super nasty about myself. I ended up throwing up about three times this whole day (no forcing myself though) It just happened. I still feel like I'm gaining weight even though it doesn't work like that, I've been bloated all day long with that full feeling in my tummy & a major heartburn. I'm not sure how to cut down on my calories without continuing eating after I eat a certain amount of bites. That's why I think it'd be more simple to just starve myself for a few weeks/days until I feel at last a little better about myself. I think my best bet is to just go buy healthy/ low carb groceries.

I don't like my appearance & it sucks because I always say "If you don't like your appearance do something about it to change it." It's not easy taking your own advice. I can't tell my friend or parents or brother or anything what I'm thinking because they'll just think I'm pretending or something or tell me "You look fine, it's okay." I'm so unhappy with my body, I look skinny but once I take my clothes off to change or get in the shower I look at myself & all I see is fat, everywhere, fat. I haven't been eating & when I do I force myself because I'm around people that love me and I don't want them to know what's going on inside my head or what I think of myself. I don't wanna resort to throwing up or starving myself but if I do It'll just be until I'm okay with the way my body looks. I wanna tell a friend but I feel like if I were to tell her she would tell her friend ( an old friend of mine, we cannot stand each other anymore.)  & they'll talk about me jokingly thinking I'm trying to get attention or something when that's not the case or she'll say "You're skinny, wtf are you talking about."  I'm so insecure with my body & have no one to talk to that will understand where I'm coming from. Before I shower I just sit there looking at my body, pointing out countless flaws, doing body checks & tugging at my skin I think is fat. I just don't want this to turn into a serious problem & I definitely don't want my father finding out what I think about myself, it would break his little heart.

It's the devil's hour & I'm completely restless, reminiscing on the past once again. Asking myself when these memories will fade away. They go away for a little while but sneak up at me when I'm the most vulnerable.

Extremely new to this, this is basically where I'll be posting personal stuff, daily things, & thoughts of my own  that I wouldn't post on Twitter/Tumblr etc etc blah blah blah.